Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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