I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
