saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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