If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
