So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
