yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
