sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
