just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize