yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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