True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
