Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
