the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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