so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
