I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
