My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
