If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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