When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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