help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
