Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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