chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
