My friends, they love my intelligence
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
