Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
