Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
