Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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