wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
