I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
