Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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