Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
