I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
