I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
