Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
