My first STD was from a foam party
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
two words...techno handjob
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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