If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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