Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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