I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
