If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
