So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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