Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
