"it" just moved
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
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I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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