one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
