If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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