I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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