i just made my gag reflex go away.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
