Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
