i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
