It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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