i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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