Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
