Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
