I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
