I hope mine doesn't look like that
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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