My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
