Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Panties = found
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
