A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I smell stomach acid.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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