i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
