THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
